


In search of home

by YaoiTrashHubbo (PernicoAndCelloIsMyLife)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character Death, Lots of Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Yuri Plisetsky-centric, grab some tissues, like I'm not kidding, probably the saddest thing i've wrote yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22604455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PernicoAndCelloIsMyLife/pseuds/YaoiTrashHubbo
Summary: After Nikolai passes away Yuri has to learn how to keep living life without the only family that he had left on this earth. Without the person that he considered home.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky
Comments: 7
Kudos: 59





	In search of home

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I was going through my docs and found some things that I never posted for some reason, and thi is one of them! 
> 
> This one is actually a piece that I wrote for the Okaeri zine a while ago, and it's a piece that i'm actually really proud of! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

Yuri’s life had been hell for the last couple weeks, and he didn’t expect it to get better anytime soon.  
It started when he received a call from someone who said that they were a doctor from the hospital in the town closest to his hometown, and that they were taking care of his grandfather, Nikolai. The doctor told Yuri that he should get to the hospital as soon as possible, because the prognosis wasn’t looking too good. Yuri felt numb, his phone fell from his hand and he stared into space as his boyfriend and his rink-mates gathered around him, summoned by the sickening crack of his phone hitting the ice.

An hour later Yuri found himself rushing through the front doors of the hospital and demanding that the lady at the front desk take him to his grandfather immediately.

The first thing Yuri noticed was all of the wires and tubes attached to his grandfather, that alone was enough to bring tears to his eyes. Yuri noticed how pale and sickly Nikolai was compared to how he usually looked. He could hear the steady beep of the heart monitor echo throughout the room like the beat of a sad song.

He didn't feel his legs move as he rushed over to his grandfather's bedside, he also didn't feel the tears run down his face and drip down onto the pristine white floors. The whole thing felt like one big nightmare, and Yuri hoped that he could just pinch himself awake so that he could return to reality. A reality where his beloved grandfather was perfectly healthy, where he would be making pirozhki like he used to, and where Yuri would never have to say goodbye to his only family left, to his biggest supporter, to his grandfather.

Unfortunately all the pinches and slaps to the face in the world weren't able to wake Yuri from this hellish nightmare turned hellish reality.

About two weeks after Nikolai was admitted to the hospital he passed away peacefully in his sleep, and a few days after that was the service. Yuri sat in the front row of the small chapel with Yakov and Lilia sitting to his left and Otabek sitting at his right. Behind him was Victor, Yuuri, and his other rink mates.

They had all been there for Yuri during the last couple weeks. Yakov and Lilia helping him make sense of all the legal papers that he'd had to fill out these past couple days. Victor, Yuuri, and Otabek had been helping him plan the funeral and also just helping him to not completely fall apart. They made sure that he was at least making an effort to eat, bathe, and sleep when Yuri was having a hard enough time just remembering where he was at any given time. He felt numb, like he wasn't living in the real world, and in a way it was a good thing that he didn't feel anything, that the full weight of the situation hadn't crashed down upon him just yet.

It was when he saw that glossy, rich brown mahogany casket with golden accents and flowers adorning it’s lid being lowered into the ground, that Yuri felt it. He felt his stomach drop along with the tears that had started falling freely down his face. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like all of the oxygen around him had been replaced by water that was slowly filling his lungs until he finally suffocated.

He didn’t notice that his body was shaking, or that he was sobbing until Otabek put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug as he whispered soothing words into Yuri’s blonde hair. Yuri was suddenly reminded of the times when his grandfather would do the same thing. It wasn’t often that Yuri would cry, but there were times when Yuri’s emotions would catch up with him. When his demons would catch up to him in the form of dreams about broken glass scattered across the asphalt and mangled hunks of metal that were once cars. That was when he would cry uncontrollably, unable to keep his emotions in check, and feeling like his world was falling apart all over again. Like he was 9 years old again, seeing his parents being lowered into the ground as he cried into his grandfather's side.

On those nights Nikolai would come into his room and hug Yuri to his chest as he spoke to him softly about other things, like how he was so proud of all his accomplishments, and about how he had really enjoyed watching Yuri at practice that day. Then after Yuri had calmed down, and his eyes started to droop closed on their own accord, Nikolai would hum an old russian lullaby to him until Yuri was finally able to drift back to sleep.

Otabek never knew about what Yuri’s grandfather used to do on those terror filled nights nor did he know about the lullaby that Yuri will always associate with his late grandfather. However, at that moment when Yuri felt like he was having a nightmare from his childhood, Otabek seemed to know what to do to make Yuri feel just a tiny bit better, like things just might turn out ok. And just for a moment, Yuri felt like he was back home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had only been about a week since the funeral and Yuri was already back on the ice. Yakov, Otabek, and all of his other friends vehemently wanted for Yuri to take more time off from skating so that he could focus on feeling better, but Yuri countered their arguments by saying that the only way he would be able to get his mind off of things is if he was on the ice.

When Yuri was on the ice he was able to clear his mind completely of anything other than his programs. While he was skating he had no time to focus on his feelings, and after practicing basically all day he was only able to think about the soreness of his muscles and how absolutely exhausted he was. He would practice from the wee hours of the morning to way past the time that the rink closed.The only thing stopping Yuri from usually staying longer was the zamboni drivers who would probably run him over if he didn’t get off of the ice.

When Yuri would get back to Otabek’s and his apartment he would almost always end up falling into bed, or sometimes just on the couch, and passing out into a dreamless sleep often before he could manage to eat. After a couple weeks of the same kind of routine, Yuri had started to notice his cheeks becoming sunken in, his complexion was paler than usual (which was really saying something), and his eyes looked a bit dull compared to their usual emerald like color. There was a little part of his brain that knew that what he was doing to himself was unhealthy, but the bigger part that didn’t want to think about the grief assured him that what he was doing wasn’t that bad, that it would be worse for him to actually think about everything that had happened. He figured that it’d be better for him to hurt physically instead of mentally, but everyone else didn’t agree.

One night after everyone else had gone home Yuri was still on the ice running through his short program for this upcoming season yet again. He had practiced it so many times, he was sure that he could do it in his sleep, but that didn’t necessarily mean that it was perfect yet. He still had problem spots that he had to work on, and his quad in the second half was one of them. He was nailing it most of the time, but there were still times when his landing was a bit sloppy or he wouldn’t get enough height and end up under rotating it, and that simply wouldn’t do if he was aiming to take home gold in the final.

He started his routine from the top for possibly the hundredth time that day. The first half went off without a hitch as it usually did by this point. The rink was deafeningly quiet, but Yuri could only hear the music playing in his mind as he glided across the ice. He continued to nail his other jumps and step sequence until he finally made it to his quad loop close to the end.

He picked up enough momentum, he was sure that if he just took off at the right spot he would nail it. When he got to the purple ad on the barrier wall, he closed his eyes and jumped. He rotated once, twice, then for some reason he remembered when he first learned how to do a single loop and how he was so excited to show his grandpa how much he had learned. He was flooded by mental images of the proud smile Nikolai gave him, his eyes full of pride and unconditional love.

Yuri barely caught himself before he fell face first onto the ice.

He stayed there for a moment, trying to catch his breath and watching as the sweat dripped down from his face onto the ice.

“That was almost a perfect quad loop.”

Yuri jumped a bit at the sudden voice. He thought he was going crazy until he looked over to the side and saw Yuuri and Victor standing by the opening in the barrier. Yuri got up and glided over towards them before stopping to put his skate guards on. Yuuri handed him his water bottle and his towel that was sitting on the bench, and Yuri took a few large gulps of water before going over to sit down. “What the hell are you two doing here, I thought you left earlier?”

“We could ask you the same thing,” Yuuri said.

So maybe Yuri had been sneaking back into the rink after everyone else had left. No one else except for Otabek knew, but he wouldn’t rat him out to Yakov. If Yakov knew he would probably follow Yuri home or hire a security guard to follow him and make sure that he didn’t sneak back into the rink at night.

Yuri sighed. “Alright, you caught me. What are you going to do, tell Yakov?”

Yuuri and Victor gave each other that look that they always gave each other when they were having a silent conversation amongst themselves. It was annoying. “No, we won’t tell him,” Yuuri said.

“But, you have to promise us that you’ll start leaving here at a reasonable time so that you can get a proper amount of rest and actually eat more,” Victor finished.

Yuri looked between both of them and saw that they were both giving him stern looks. He sighed again, “fine.”

“Good,” Victor said, “we can’t have you overworking yourself, and hurting yourself before the season officially starts.” Victor stood up and dug in his coat pocket until he pulled out the keys to his car. “We’ll give you a ride home. You go ahead and get your stuff together, and Yuuri and I will be waiting outside.”

Victor started to walk towards the door, but Yuuri stayed seated. When Victor gave him a questioning look he answered, “I’ll be there in a minute.” Victor nodded and walked out the door, leaving the other two alone.

It was quiet for a few seconds until Yuri heard the man next to him take a deep breath in. Yuri started talking before Yuuri could get a single word out.

“So what, are you going to scold me for not taking care of myself like I should, cause if you are then you might as well save your breath. I know what I’m doing isn’t really healthy so anything that you would say is nothing that I don’t already know.”

Yuuri looked at him with an indecipherable look in his eyes before he smiled softly. “I wasn’t going to really say anything like that, and it would be pretty hypocritical of me to scold you for something I used to do all of the time.” He chuckled softly.

Yuri looked over at Yuuri, but Yuuri was staring out at the ice like he was looking at something far away. “What are you talking about?”

“When I was younger I was never really good at expressing myself, my emotions, with words. I found it difficult to talk to others about how I was feeling, hell I still have trouble with it, so I would go to the rink and practice. It was the only place where I felt safe, at peace. As soon as I step onto that ice I’m able to put all of my thoughts and feelings aside and just focus on my routines, that’s why when I’m stressed or too caught up in my head, I come here.”

Yuri stared at him in mild surprise. It seemed like Yuuri was reading his mind. That was exactly how he felt.

“When I lost Vicchan, my poodle, the guilt ate me alive. All of my thoughts were consumed by my grief all of the time to the point where it nearly drove me insane. I just wanted to not think about it, so I would go and practice. I would practice all day every day, going in at ungodly hours of the morning and not leaving until really late at night. I wasn’t taking care of myself like I should have been, I shut myself off from others, barely got any sleep-”

“Exactly what I’m doing,” Yuri said.

“Yeah.”

Yuri looked down as he wrung his hands together. “So, what happened?”

“Well, at that time I was living in Detroit with Phichit, and training under Celestino. They both started to get really worried about me. Celestino advised against practicing so much and Phichit tried to make sure that I took care of myself, but it didn’t work. I would sneak out of our apartment to practice, and I would leave before Celestino got there in the mornings so that he would think I was at home still sleeping. It was all a pretty elaborate scheme that I had going on.” Yuuri laughed softly to himself, “But one night I accidentally woke Phichit up, and he caught me sneaking out of our apartment and followed me to the rink.”

“What happened after that?”

“He told me that if I didn’t talk to him, then he would tell Celestino,” Yuuri said simply.

“So what did you do?”

“I refused. I was upset about the whole situation, about the guilt that I felt, but I think I was even more angry at myself because I knew I wasn’t making good decisions.” Yuuri looked over at Yuri. “I ended up talking it all out with him in the end.”

“Really, just like that?”

“Well he did also threaten to throw away my skates and some of my posters, but… yeah...” There was a long pause between them. “I’m not expecting you to want to talk about it or anything, so don’t think that I’m trying to push you. I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone, that it’s completely normal. But, just don’t make the mistake of waiting as long as I did. I don’t want to see you suffer like that.”

“Alright.”

“Also, here.” Yuuri handed him a small paper bag. “I wanted to make sure that you had something good to eat.” When Yuri opened the bag he saw three golden brown pirozshki sitting at the bottom.

Yuri’s eyes grew wide and started to brim with unshed tears.

“I hope that they turned out good. I tried to make them exactly like he showed me, but it’s been a while since then.”

Yuri was confused for a minute until he remembered last Christmas. Yuuri, Victor, Otabek, Yakov and Lilia had all been there with Yuri after Nikolai had gotten out of the hospital after his first big health scare. After a week in the hospital he was feeling better, and even insisted on making homemade pirozshki. Yuuri and Yuri helped him, and when Yuuri had told Nikolai how much he loved the katsudon pirozshki he insisted on teaching Yuuri how to make them.

Yuri was suddenly reminded of the first time his grandpa had taught him how to make pirozshki.

_He was about eight years old when one day his grandfather was getting out the ingredients to make his famous pirozshki. They had always been Yuri’s favorite food, and his grandpa had told him that they were his father’s favorite food as well. Yuri had always wanted to help make them but he was always told that he was too young, but that didn’t stop Yuri from asking if he could help every single time._

_“Grandpa, can I help you make them today? Pleeease?” Yuri asked, looking up at Nikolai in his best impression of a kicked kitten._

_His grandpa considered him for a few seconds before walking out of the kitchen and into the bathroom down the hall. When he came back he had a small hair clip that he clipped into Yuri’s hair so that his bangs wouldn’t fall in his face. He then grabbed a small step stool out from under the sink and set it up close to the counter._

_“Alright, first we’ll start with the dough…”_

_They spent the whole afternoon making pirozshki. Some batches turned out inedible since Yuri insisted in measuring out the ingredients himself without any help in turn adding too much or too little, but a majority of them turned out good._

_That night after dinner was eaten and the kitchen was cleaned up, they spent time together playing board games and watching movies until bedtime. It truly was a day that Yuri would always treasure then and in the future._

Yuri looked into the bag like they held the answers to the universe, even as some tears started to spill over onto his cheeks.

Yuuri must have noticed the change in atmosphere because he turned quietly and slowly until he faced the front door. “When you’re ready we’ll be waiting, take you-”

“I miss him,” Yuri whispered.

Yuuri turned back around to look at him. “What?”

“I miss him, I miss him so fucking much that it hurts.” Yuri felt hot tears fall from his burning eyes travel down his face and drip down onto the floor, he felt himself start to shake uncontrollably as he fought from breaking out into heaving sobs. “Why did he have to leave? Why?”

Yuuri looked at the younger blonde in thinly veiled horror, it was obvious that he wasn’t expecting this, and if Yuri wasn’t having an emotional breakdown he probably would have laughed.

It was getting hard to breathe, he could feel his lungs burning and by this point he couldn’t seem to calm himself down to take a proper breath of air. He was shaking uncontrollably with the sobs that racked his body. He felt like he was on the verge of passing out until Yuuri gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

When Yuri looked over at him he saw that Yuuri no longer looked nervous, instead he looked completely calm. “Breathe with me. Slow and deep breaths.”

Yuri did as he was told and after a bit he was able to breathe normally, having calmed down a little.

“I know that you miss him, and I’m not going to say that it is going to get better anytime soon or that it’s going to stop hurting, and I’m definitely not saying that it will be easy. But I will say that eventually the pain won’t be so intense, it won’t feel like the world is crashing down around you. However, to get there, you have to let yourself feel and grieve. It will be hell, but the sooner you let yourself be human and feel the emotions that you’ve bottled up, the sooner you’ll begin to heal.”

Yuri was left speechless the most he could do was nod his head as he looked at the other man in awe. Yuuri wasn't aware of it, but the way he didn't sugar coat things sometimes really reminded Yuri of his grandpa.

Whenever Yuri would ask his grandpa about something, or whenever Nikolai would give him advice he always told Yuri the absolute truth. He would say that lying to Yuri wouldn't help in the long run and that he deserved to know the truth. Nikolai was never rude or ruthless about it, but he would tell the whole truth, and Yuri appreciated that immensely. Especially now.

“Yuri?” Yuuri asked, breaking the blonde out of the trance that he had slipped into. “Are you ok for now? Are you ready to go?”

Yuri looked at Yuuri for a second before nodding his head slowly, “Yeah, I'm ready.”

“Good, let's go then.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fast forward another couple weeks and Yuri was doing the slightest bit better after his conversation with Yuuri. He wasn't pushing himself as hard when it came to practice, he was making sure to eat regularly, and most of all he was letting himself feel again.

After that night he took a break from practicing for a couple days, mainly spending his time collecting his thoughts and trying to find just a little bit of closure. He knew that he wasn't going to feel better overnight, or even in a couple days, but the break helped him center himself just a bit. After that break he went back to a realistic practice schedule and he could feel how much lighter he felt as he glided across the ice. The jump that had been causing him grief was now something that he landed everytime without fail.The season would officially start in a little less than a month, and his chances of bringing home gold this season were looking quite good. As long as everything kept on going like it has been then Yuri should have no issues with this season.

Yuri was just wrapping up practice with some stretches when Yakov walked up to him with a grim look on his face. “Yuri, I need to talk to you about something.”

Yuri stood up and looked over at Yakov, “Okay, what is it?”

“We should talk in my office,” Yakov said. Yuri nodded in answer then followed Yakov to his office.

Yuri had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
With a little more than a week before the official start of the skating season, Yuri expected to be preparing for his travels and to get in the last bit of practice time on his home ice. What he didn't expect was for him to be cleaning out his grandfather's old house.

When he and Yakov had talked in his office, he told Yuri that the lawyer that had taken care of Nikolai's will had called to find out what he was planning to do with the house. There had apparently already been many offers made on the house already, and if Yuri was going to keep it he needed to get his name placed on the title so it would actually be his.

Yuri hadn't given that sort of thing any thought. What did he want to do with the house? It was in the next town over, and it usually takes a little less than two hours to get there from where he lives now, and with his practice schedule it just wouldn't be ideal to live there. However, there is this part of him that doesn't want to sell the house. The part that doesn't want to listen to reason, and wants to keep it purely for the sentimental value. This part of his brain keeps flooding his rational side with flashes of all the priceless memories that he had made in his childhood home. With his mind and feelings seemingly at war, it was a nearly impossible decision to make. With that said, he had to have an answer to the lawyer by the end of the month, so after much deliberation with himself he decided to listen to his rational side and sell the house.

He knew that it was the best thing to do, but it didn’t make him feel any better. And now, standing in front of his grandfather's house, he really started to have second thoughts. Looking at the cream colored house with brown trim that sat in the middle of a large, wide open stretch of land covered with swaying green grass, made all of those memories come back to him in crystal clear focus.

He could vividly remember playing on the old swing in the backyard while Nikolai would cook dinner. He could remember the hours that he and his grandfather would spend out in the yard playing catch, something that Yuri never had the chance to do with his father. Those memories and many more flooded his mind until he couldn’t decipher from what was past or present.

He didn’t realize that he had been staring until Otabek came up to him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Yura, are you ok?”

Yuri was far from ok, he wanted to drop down right where he was and cry his eyes out as he damned every god in existence for allowing something this terrible to happen. He could feel himself starting to relapse back to the mentality that he had after the funeral, where he was so caught up in his grief that he just wanted to lay down and give up. Despite that feeling, when he looked back at the people who had been there for him since the first day of this hellish new chapter of his life, the people who were here for him now even though they had no obligation to be here, Yuri knew that he had to stay strong and let them see that all of their support hadn’t been in vain.

Yuri took a deep breath and walked up the walkway to the front door and unlocked it. Everything looked the same from the last time he had been here. The old family photos were still hung on the wall, the living room was still arranged the same way. The kitchen still looked the same, the walls still covered with the same hideous wallpaper with the roosters and farmhouses printed on it. Yuri had always thought it was an eyesore, but never really brought it up to Nikolai.

As the others walked into the house with boxes and cleaning supplies, Yuri ventured down the hallway leading to the bedrooms. He passed by his old bedroom and saw that everything was still as he had left it the last time that he was here. He kept walking until he got to the door at the very end of the hallway that was cracked open. He pushed it open the rest of the way and looked in, seeing the familiar layout of his grandfathers room. The king sized bed sat in the middle of the room with a wooden dresser near the left wall and the closet on the right.

Yuri remembers sneaking in here when he was younger, when he would have terrible nightmares that left him shaking from fear. He would crawl into the bed and cling to his grandfather until he felt comfortable enough to go back to sleep. Even though he was an adult now, these past couple months had made him realize that he would give anything to be able to do that again.

Yuri sat down on the edge of the still made bed and took another look around. He looked at the photos of himself that his grandfather had hung up on the walls, and then of the picture on the nightstand that was of both Yuri and Nikolai after Yuri had won his first gold. Yuri was wearing the biggest smile as he held up his medal, while Nikolai looked at him proudly. Yuri smiled sadly as he reached over for the photo, but when he picked it up an envelope addressed to him slid on to the ground.

He picked up the envelope and carefully tore it open. Inside there was a note written in his grandfather's neat scrawl. It was fairly short, but it had him crying halfway into it. When he got to the end he got up, and walked into the living room where everyone had started to clean. They were talking amongst themselves until they saw Yuri then they went silent.

“I changed my mind, I want to keep the house,” Yuri said through tears.

The others all looked at each other then turned towards him and smiled softly. “That's what I thought you were going to say all along,” Yakov said.

That season Yuri ended up taking home gold at the Grand Prix and almost every other competition, and every medal ended up getting hung up on the living room wall in what was now his house. They hung right above the blown up picture of Yuri and Nikolai after his first Grand Prix along with the last letter that Nikolai had left for Yuri.

_To my dear Yurochka,_   
_If you're reading this, then I have passed. I know it must be hard for you, but I know that you'll be ok. You're strong, so strong and I know that you can make it through anything. But, I also know that you have many other people who care about you, and who I know will help you along the way, and that thought brings me peace. I know you will continue to make me proud, and I hope that you will continue to think of this house as your home._   
_With love, Nikolai_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_I_ f you feel like it, maybe check out my socials! 

[Twitter](https://twitter.com/YHubbo?s=09)

[Tumblr](https://yaoi-trash-hubbo.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> *Hands you tissues* 
> 
> Thanks for reading! As always, comments and Kudos give me life, and are greatly appreciated! ^^
> 
> ~kim <3


End file.
